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Why do women stay?

I've been thinking a lot about my blog lately.
Why have it? What's it's purpose?

My goals were to move to England. To be with John.
But what now?

I've been thinking about the path that I'm meant to take.

When leaving any relationship, much less an abusive one... You have to learn a new way to live.

All of your plans have to change.
The way you live life has to change.
Life. It Changes.

I've also been left with the question of why I stayed. I've been judged so much.. Maybe I have just "felt" judged. But I've heard comments like "I'd never stay in an abusive relationship"... "Well it's your own fault for staying"... The looks of pity...

Seriously if you haven't walked in a person's shoes. Don't judge them.

Let me explain. Correction. Let me TRY to explain.

Abusive men don't start a relationship out by being abusive. And by all counts, they are very charming, funny, and full of personality. Of course it didn't take me long to figure out that John was hurtful and very verbally abusive. But the hurt would always come when least expected, when things were so good and so loving. I would feel as if John had kicked my feet right from under me. The things he called me were so vile and so horrible, so sickening and sad. He would put me down and call me names. A lot of my time was spent trying to convince him that I wasn't the things he was saying or calling me. Time was spent away from my children on the phone (I now see this was a way to keep me to himself, abusers are very controlling), I would stay on the phone in my room trying to make things OK... and I cried a lot. Then... things were wonderful again.

He wouldn't apologize. It was always someone, something or his life that caused him to act as he did. It was never him of course.

Some of the things just off of the top of my head...
"Cunting Slag"
"Slut"
"Piece of shit"
"Go fuck a stranger, it's what you're good at"...
He is vile. He is disgusting.
He fits the profile of a sociopath.

I remember one of the first things that John ever said to me that was hurtful. He said to me "I think I'll go have a baby with Marilyn, at least she's pretty and I know we will have a good looking child"... Marilyn was an ex girlfriend of his. I remember feeling like I had been punched in the stomach. John never thought he was doing anything wrong because well... he was "Being honest".

I got used to... addicted to... "A certain type of sadness", you get used to the cycle of abuse that you become part of. You may start to try to break the pattern, you try to get help, you do whatever it takes to make your relationship better. I did everything and anything I could to "fix" us. I was embarrassed to be in a relationship like this. I stopped telling people about it. Because dammit I was going to make this work... because I loved John.

I'm not a weak woman. I'm strong. I'm intelligent. I have no problem telling a person to "Get bent" if they are being anything but decent to me. Including John.

I broke up with John so many times... so many. But I would be met with how much he loved me, how much he was sorry, and how he suffered because he has IBS, and therefor he was deeply hurt and angry and didn't mean to take things out on me like he did. I always forgave him.

I was only hanging on by a thread when I went to see John in London the last time. I had gone from "Being the nicest person that I know" (As my 16 year old at the time once said to me) to... Learning how to fight just like John. I attacked back over time, saying brutal things back to him. Fighting fire with fire. And it no longer felt good to make up. In fact... I didn't care what he wanted or didn't want. John couldn't hurt me with his words any longer because I had become immune. I believe this is what led him to start the physical abuse. It was always "In" him, but it was never directed "directly" at me. But he had lost control of me. So the stakes went higher.

Of course punching me in the face... Well.
All bets were off.

But understand that when women stay in abusive relationships, sometimes they are scared for their lives. I'm so blessed that there is the Atlantic Ocean between John and I because he can't show up at my work. I changed my phone number and he can't call me. I don't have to hide or fear for my life. I'm so blessed that I didn't have a child with John (we talked about it in the beginning), because I would be tied to him in some way for the rest of my life. Some women stay out of fear. Some women get "used" to their sadness and their relationship. They need something drastic to happen to make them realize that life doesn't have to be like this. Some women have no where to go. Some women... Like myself, I just wanted to prove I could make it work, that I could prove to the world that I didn't really get myself into this mess of a relationship.

Make no mistake. These women in abusive relationships can't just "Walk away". Even if the abuser ends things with you. It's only to hurt you. You are the reason they have control. You are the reason they can be who they are. Abusers don't just let these women go.

I got sick and tired of being sick and tired.
And now I'm free.
I truly am one of the lucky ones.

Happy Easter!

Preparing for Easter!

Christ has risen!
When Jesus arose from the dead it was a time of forgiveness and new beginnings. And just this very moment it occurred to me how much I really needed a new beginning in my own life. Spring time is known for new birth, so I'm going to make this Easter and this spring, my very own new beginning. I've been trapped and oppressed in a relationship. I got used to a certain kind of sadness; & tears were all too common.
I feel much peace at the moment. Maybe it's acceptance. Maybe through the pain of the last 2 weeks has given me clarity. I had huge plans to spend my life with the cockney. I was meant to move to England in 2014. My life has so many directions and opportunities right now. I love England too much to give it up, but I just don't know how the puzzle pieces will fit yet. I do, however look forward to the journey.
It's been a busy weekend! We started Friday off with decorating Easter eggs, Andy thought it was a good idea (In all of his 11 year old wisdom) to write "poop" on one of the eggs and I did a Union Jack egg. All was going well until early evening when Hannah began vomiting; it lasted through the night, and she woke this morning with a fever, she's rested all day and feels tons better. I found a bit of time to get the Easter Baskets made, I always love doing that!
Tomorrow we are having an Easter egg hunt, and a traditional ham dinner with sweet potatoes and the works..
I'm on my phone which always seems to post my photos all kinds of crazy, so they may be in no particular order.
Here is our weekend so far . .
Have a wonderful and safe Easter!!

Nothing like being 11 and thinking this is hilarious!

For my dad

For Hannah

My niece hugging her egg!

Playdoh? Every kids dream and a carpet nightmare!

For Andy

This sounds so yummy. I'll keep you posted.

I got some for my daughter in laws as well. It just looks yummy!

For Krista and Joshua

Bubble Gum!

For my mom

More Yummies to bake!

So we can make cupcake chickens!

Darth Vader Eggs

Filling Easter Eggs for the hunt

Playing with the eggs after they decorated them. Kids are silly!

Stuffing Easter Baskets

Easter Egg American Style!

Mixing the egg dye!

Mixing is part of the fun!

Our favorite most wonderful Cousin

The Easter Egg I decorated :)

Boiling lots of eggs

Rae, my DIL's basket

Hannah's Baskets

Andy's baskets with Chris' behind it

Hannah's new sewing kit!

The Easter Bunny shops at Target

THE EASTER BUNNY HAS BEEN!!!

Keeping it Positive!

I'm so blessed.

I have had countless emails and phone calls and I can't even express how much I appreciate them and need them. I will not thank everyone personally as some people shared very personal details and I totally and completely believe in guarding someone's anonymity.

I want to focus on the positive in my life.

So here are some of the positives.

Yesterday was a "Poopie" Day... So I got off work and drove to pick up a package at the Post Office. Thank you Donna... I loved My Easter package, I promise you I will return the love! I actually owe a couple of people packages, and since I love to shop, this is a dangerous thing :). So I got several things, but these were my favorites!

 My Patriotic Goodies!

And how cute are these ducks? Each with their own Cadbury Egg :)

                                      

I also received this lovely charm from another friend. It's Sterling Silver and I'm going to have it put on my bracelet by a jeweler. I know this isn't a good photo, but it's really cute! Tower Bridge is my most favorite place in the World.

I think the whole world should know that Hannah has taken to torturing Rocco by dressing him up as a girl, but he's taken this all in his manly stride!

And last but not least, Even though I haven't been able to get into the "Easter" spirit (I usually decorate like I do for Christmas!) I thought I should do something Easter like, so Hannah and I took a bag of plastic Easter eggs and strung them up and made some really cute garland!

 Hannah is a good little sewer and threader :)

 And our garland... Okay it's not perfect, but we like it!

This Friday we are decorating "real" eggs, of course then we have to eat about 4 dozen of them! We are also doing an Easter egg hunt on Sunday after the Easter Bunny comes! I wish I belonged to a Church, I'd love to go. I have no home Church, but I keep saying I'll find one now that I'm in Austin. I will... 

I'm so angry.

Please understand, if you read my blog. 

I need this right now.

I need to clear my head, I need to be honest, I need other women to see this.

I need other women to know they aren't alone.

I need other women to know to leave. To go. Run.

Understand this: I always believed that abuse happened to weak women. WRONG. 

I'm intelligent. I'm strong. I have a healthy self esteem. I stand up for myself and what I believe in.

Why me?

I'm not a victim. I will pick myself up. I will eventually heal. It will be so hard. But I will. 

I feel strong right now. Yesterday.... Not so much.

How can someone that you love so much. Someone that is meant to love you back. 

Why would they hurt you?

I'm so angry.

I'm angry with myself.

Why did I keep going back? I flew 5,000 miles for this.

No excuses. Just raw truth.

I went to England about every 4 months. I love England. I lived there in the 80's. My Grandmother is English and came over during WWII. England is literally in my blood. (Psychology research now shows that we are often drawn to certain places because of where are ancestry blood is from.)

Going back to England definitely had its appeal. I had wanted to go before I met "The Cockney". I was coming out of a 20 year marriage and thought it would be a perfect place to go for a year of University and give my children the opportunity to see a different culture and way of life. So I went on Myspace, and I looked up people that went to the University of East London, as that was the school I had my eyes set on for   Pre-Med studies (And was later accepted at)... And in my search I met John.

He was so charismatic, so he seemed and he said He loved me almost instantaneously. (GIRLS THIS IS A SERIOUS RED FLAG)... It wasn't long before I was on a plane to meet him.

But soon... He started calling me Scum... Slut... 

I didn't understand why he was doing that and instead of just walking away at that point, I would always defend myself. Hours on the phone and hours away from my kids crying and trying to understand how he could treat me so poorly. Trying to make him understand I wasn't the things that he called me.

Then. He was Prince Charming again. Let me tell you... When this man is Prince Charming, he could convince anyone how brilliant he is. Oh... and he was funny, I love being around funny people. He would blame his behavior either on me, or tell me it's because he was raised by a verbally abusive mother, or he would blame his IBS or the death of his grandfather. John... Yes John Challener...he doesn't get the luxury of being protected any longer... He never took responsibility for his actions and always had someone or something or his life to blame. There were always promises that he would stop. We would talk about doing things in London and having fun... blah blah blah. I would always forgive him. I would always go see him. Again.

But the names got worse. Cunting Slag. Piece of Shit. Fat Cunt. Whore. Only good for a shag.

He would refer to women as "It".

Again. I would defend myself. But I had started to hide my relationship. Not talk about it. Not admit to it. I didn't want others to think bad about me. Or him.

I knew in my heart that I didn't deserve this. I believe in uplifting, in encouraging and in edifying all humans. How could a man I love do this? That was the hardest part... "Why?"... "What did I do wrong this time?". Don't get me wrong, I'm a very outspoken and mouthy woman, I didn't let these things go unnoticed and that's most likely why we fought so much, but he stopped saying he was sorry. He told me he hated me, he told me he would kill me. 

Then I would hear "I don't remember anything I said, I was drinking bourbon, beer, wine and taking codeine with it". 

My mom told me several times "England will always be there, you don't need John"

John's name calling stopped hurting me. It just made me feel sorry for him, so when he would start his verbal abuse these last couple of months I would just say to him "I know that's not true, so believe what you want, I'm not that person"... My reading and education let me know that the way he treated me, and the things he hated about me where only reflections of his inner self hate. Because he couldn't hurt me anymore with his words, I believe that's what led to his final violence. 

When John came at me I thought he was only going to take some Monopoly cards out of my hand, I had tossed a couple of them because I was upset with him, and when he punched me in the jaw, all I saw was black. When he threw me on the floor and slammed my head down, I'm very lucky I didn't pass out, if I would have passed out then I would most likely be dead. But I'm not dead. And he doesn't get a chance to prove that he was sorry. He even cried telling me how sorry he was.

Game Over.

I'm so so angry.

John has been blocked from my emails. I've uninstalled Viber. I've blocked him on Whatsapp and I will not answer any calls or texts. If he contacts me I will change my number. I'm so lucky.... So blessed that we are an ocean apart. The women that try to escape when he lives in the same town, my prayers will go out to them daily.

Verbal abuse IS Violence

I read it everywhere. And so many people told me.

Verbal Abuse will turn into physical abuse.

I didn't believe them then.

I believe them now.

If you're in a verbally abusive relationship get out. NOW. Yes, you will have to face the emotional pain, but you'll win back the friends and family that you lost and the respect you lost from them. You will heal. Time heals all wounds. It's better to heal from the emotional pain now than to have to add physical pain into the equation later.

Don't tell him. Don't.
Start thinking now how you will leave. It might take something drastic. Change your phone numbers, block your email, delete and start a new facebook.

I thought my jaw was broke. Turns out it wasn't, I've just never been punched in the face before.

I feel embarrassed.
I'm an intelligent woman. I don't have a low self esteem. I wonder why I even allowed the verbal abuse to continue? Did I think that was the treatment I deserved? We allow people to treat us how we feel we deserve. Right?

He was always stressed. He was usually sorry and I'm a forgiving person. I loved him so much, I only saw the good in him.

But punching me? Attacking me... Throwing me down and slamming my head into the floor? Clawing his nails into my neck.

My heart is broken.
I never thought he would do this.
But I'm free now.

Red Nose Day

It's Red Nose Day in England :)

Easter Eggs in England

Easter eggs in England??? Chocolate perfection in the shape of an egg, filled with your favorite chocolate!

The Cockney bought some for the kids today, and bought me all the other goodies (and I wonder why the air plane seat belt is so tight :)

London

I've arrived safe and sound in London and then almost immediately got flu like symptoms! Felt like poo for 48 hours. I'm better today so we are going for a proper British meal tonight... A curry! (Ha ha)...

The big news in England? Apparently there is much ado about horse meat being found in a lot of restaurants and grocery stores.

The Queen has been ill as well. Tummy flu (I must have caught it from her eh?)... Get well soon Queen Elizabeth...

My children are having more fun at camp than I am in London! In 3 days they have been fishing, kayaking and went to the rodeo! They've already asked to go to summer camp there!!! Aren't they meant to be missing their mom more?? :)... just kidding.... I'm so glad they are having fun. Its more than I would have been able to do with them In 3 days!! Today they are having a professional photographer come in and teach them how to photograph, tomorrow is swimming all day!

I will be out exploring in London today and tomorrow. Oooooo and I'm loving all the huge chocolate Easter eggs that are out in the shops! I'll be taking some home for the kids!

Happy Spring Break!